Last week I wrote this column below for the Deseret News. My family and several smart friends said it would be a bad idea to send it in, in part, because so many people seem to take my writing so seriously. So, I decided to sneak out here and post it here because there are only 22 of you out there and I haven't made a post in 100 years. No one will ever see it. And yet I worked hard on it so I figured I should post it.

I hope it doesn't offend you. I mean no disrespect. If you aren't LDS, it won't make any sense anyway.

Recently I saw General Conference, the semi-annual meeting that draws members from the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-day Saints each spring and fall to Salt Lake City.

I listened to the talks given and found great inspiration in the words offered. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to draft a talk for such an important meeting and I expect a lot of prayers are invested in the preparation of what is shared.

However, sometimes I wait in vain for the general authorities to say some of the things I think really should be emphasized over the pulpit. That’s why I’ve decided to draft my own talk and offer it up to any general authority who would like to borrow parts or all of it for conference in October later this year. Here’s what I came up with:

My dear brothers and sisters what a glorious fall morning it is here in Salt Lake City. It is wonderful to be gathered with you in this lovely conference center and to be connected with faithful saints across the globe via satellite hook up.

Before I get underway, I have a surprise for you. I’d like to ask those of you seated in the conference center to look under your seats. The faithful saint on level 2, section G, row 12, seat 42 should find a gift certificate to The Pie Pizzaria for a Stromboli Pizza. As you know, The Pie Pizzaria makes pizza from heaven and we encourage all members to take advantage of the joy and peace it can bring into your life.

Now a word about celery. It’s come our attention that there are growing numbers of Saints who have been introducing celery, carrots and broccoli into the offerings when treats are promised after a fireside or service project. Such foods can be delicious and tasty when eaten in moderation with a good dip but we caution you against referring to them as “treats.” Remember when someone loses integrity if often goes away just one little step at a time.

And now a word about priorities. In our hectic day-to-day lives sometime work, church and family commitments can become overwhelming. Each has its place and are an important part of our test here on earth. May I caution you against letting such things crowd out all your TV time? When I hear of members who do not have a favorite TV show or those who say they only watch the History Channel I grow concerned. If you have invested in a nice flat-screen television, as I have repeatedly advised, you ought not to neglect it, for to do so would be just a waste of money.

And now I need to speak with the sisters for a moment. We know many of you are good and righteous women who do your best to raise great families and to give your husbands back rubs. However, some of the brethren have reported that their wives are reluctant to let them purchase iPads, saying that the family budget will not support such “toys.”

May I remind you that the scriptures may be loaded into iPads and that with such sacred words in them, they become an indispensable tool the brothers need if they are to lead in righteousness? Please be supportive of their efforts to purchase iPads and other gadgets they need to manage in these last days.

Speaking of the last days, the youth of the church are an amazing and wonderful generation that have been saved for these times. We believe that in addition to them standing tall for righteousness, they should also be mowing the lawn, sweeping out the garage and using their hard-earned money to purchase gifts for their parents. What a special generation these young people are!

And finally, may I say a few words about vacations. As we save for missions, college and food storage may I remind you of the importance of saving for splendid get-a-ways. The need to take time out to ponder on the beaches of Cancun or Maui should never be overlooked. Those who invest in family vacations will come home with sand in their shoes and a new outlook on life.

Finally, in conclusion, may I say a few words to the brethren? You are doing a wonderful job and we appreciate you so much. Do your home teaching, watch an occasional sporting event on TV and look for opportunities to talk with anyone who will listen about all the things you know. People appreciate that and look forward to your insight.

I won’t write an ending. I think that part should come from the heart. I can think of scriptures to insert into this talk but I feel those things can be best added by the general authorities themselves. I’ve noticed that the LDS general authorities really know their stuff and I’m sure the other ones do too, even though they are never allowed to speak in general conference.

Watch this fall with me and see if any of my ideas or themes are picked up. In the meantime, go do some service and make someone happy – but don’t forget to buy pizza on the way home and to buy enough that you can share with the royal generation. They’ll be hungry after they finish mowing the lawn. What a glorious fall it will be.